If I Were the Tooth Fairy…

Whenever anyone asks me what I want to be when I grow up, I always say the same thing. “I want to be the Tooth Fairy.”

I don’t care that most of the grown-ups think it’s unrealistic and tell me that it’s not possible. My mom always told me that I could be whatever I wanted when I grow up, and I know that there’s nothing I’d rather be than the Tooth Fairy.

If I were the Tooth Fairy, I’d fly around the world every day looking for kids who had just lost a tooth.

Whenever I found another kid with a newly lost tooth, I’d write their name down in my special Tooth Fairy notebook so that I’d remember who I had to visit later that night.

I’d fly to every kid’s house late at night while they were sleeping to collect their teeth and leave them money.

My mom always says that you never get something for nothing, so it’s very important that I give them some money for their teeth. Otherwise, I’d just be a thief with wings.

If I were the Tooth Fairy, I’d take all the teeth I collect each night back to my castle made of teeth in the sky. I’d give them to my builders for the guest wing I want added to the castle before falling asleep in the cavity of one of the largest teeth I’d ever collected and having sweet dreams from all the sugar that had collected there to create the cavity when it was still in the kid’s mouth.

When the sugar runs out I’ll have to find a new giant tooth with a cavity in it, but for now it’s the best bed in the world. When I wake up, I’d pull back my floss curtains to greet the new day before flying to the bathroom to take care of my teeth. You see, the Tooth Fairy has to have the cleanest, whitest teeth of all. Otherwise, a new Tooth Fairy will be chosen instead.

So, if I were the Tooth Fairy, I’d make sure to brush each tooth for three minutes each, floss ten times, and gargle with mouth wash every 30 minutes. I’d always carry a tooth brush on me – for any tooth-related emergencies – and be careful not to fly too fast so that I’d never crash and chip a tooth. In fact, I’d have my builders make a special helmet for me out of one of the teeth I collected so that if an accident ever happened, that tooth would be the one to crack. Not mine.

If I were the Tooth Fairy, I would be sure to practice my flight patterns for 2 hours every morning and make sure I knew all the flight laws for every country I’d be visiting. Not a lot of countries write Tooth-Fairy-specific laws, but I would just look up the airplane laws and follow those.

If I were the Tooth Fairy, I’d build a Tooth Bank right next to my castle so that I could get any currency I needed for anywhere in the world as quickly as possible. My bank would exchange teeth for money so I’d never have to worry about currency conversions or the stock market or the economy or any of those other difficult things that grown-ups are always complaining about.

If I were the Tooth Fairy, I’d give each kid the exact same amount of money for a lost tooth. I don’t know what the current Tooth Fairy is thinking, but she only gave me $1 for my last lost tooth, and my friend Alex got $20. What’s that about? If I were the Tooth Fairy, that wouldn’t happen. It’s not fair and it’s not nice.

If I were the Tooth Fairy, I’d polish my magic tooth wand every day and always check it to make sure the magic was still working. One of the most important parts of being the Tooth Fairy is being able to use magic. Otherwise, I’d just be a person with wings. And that’s not nearly as fun.

If I were the Tooth Fairy, I’d visit all the grown-ups who said I couldn’t be the Tooth Fairy when they’re very, very old and their teeth are starting to fall out again. I wouldn’t leave them any money, just a photo of me collecting their old teeth for my castle and a note that says “I told you so.” They’ll have to buy dentures, but that’s their own fault for not taking good enough care of their teeth.

I can’t wait to be the Tooth Fairy. I think I’d be the best Tooth Fairy of all. Don’t you?